Who pays

The popular Channel Four reality show First Dates caused a twitter storm recently when Brian and Mary, a newly-met couple in their sixties, argued about who should pay for their dinner; cost around £70. Brian was of the opinion that when you meet somebody you should always go halves.

But it wasn't at all the view of his date, 67-year old Mary. She thought that Brian should pay up, no question. The Twittersphere was divided on the issue with many arguing that if women want true equality, they should pay their way and the idea that the man always pays is way out of date. Others opined that even in these days, etiquette demands that the man always pays on a first date.

Otherwise, they said, there definitely won't be a second date. Although I count myself a feminist and am financially independent, I agree with Mary, that the man must foot the bill on the initial encounter. After that, it becomes a different matter.

As an internet dating veteran – and no, sadly I have not met my soulmate or anybody remotely close – I can say that more dates than I care to recall have come to grief over the man expecting to go Dutch – or for me to pay. A few years ago, I met a man on the internet who sounded a possible. He was a Professor of Architecture, working at a university near me, about my age, and divorced.

We agreed to meet for a drink in a nearby wine bar and then he suggested having a bite to eat. There was no particular spark or chemistry, but he seemed a pleasant enough chap – until it came to the question of who paid. He did not pick up the tab, and when I suggested we split the bill, he agreed with alacrity. I think that if I had offered to pay the entire bill, he would have accepted that, too.

Needless to say, there was no second date. So why should I have minded about who paid? After all, I could easily afford to pay half. But what it said was that this man was both naff and cheapskate – and the first thing you want to know about somebody is that they are generous. I will warm to a new, unknown man if he just automatically gets out his credit card and lays it on the plate – as well as leaving a reasonable tip afterwards.

Yes, it may be old-fashioned but it's what used to be called behaving in a gentlemanly fashion, and any man worth his salt should be aware of it.

On another occasion, I agreed to meet an internet date whose profile stated that he was in the 'top two per cent of earners.' But when we actually met, in a pub halfway between his place and mine, he confided that in actual fact he was on benefits. He could not afford to pay for lunch. This time, I ended up paying – but was not inclined to see him again. Men who can't or won't buy a girl lunch have no right to be in the dating business anyway.

It also says to the woman the very opposite of those ads on TV; that you're not worth it. Few women will ever be attracted to a man who is too mean to pay for the first date.

When a man pays, and without scrutinizing the bill too closely and adding it up – another thing I hate - he has almost guaranteed himself a second date. Already, you know he is courteous and considerate. On the next occasion, I would certainly expect to foot the bill as I don't want anybody to think I can be bought.

From then on, if a relationship develops, it's strictly equal, moneywise. That is what happened with my last major relationship. He paid for dinner on the first date, I paid on the second – and we were together for 12 wonderful years.

When it comes to same-sex friends, the scenario is different and unless otherwise agreed, I would say it's OK to split the bill. But even here, generosity pays off. Just recently I contacted somebody for research on a work project. She suggested lunch and added, “I'll pay, of course.' She booked an expensive restaurant – Fortnum's – her 'canteen', she said. We got on well and had a second lunch at a different venue, for which I paid.

The result is that although we were complete strangers a few months ago, we have now become friends. Usually though, ladies who lunch should pay their own way; it's only fair. And if you are in a group, you each chip in the same amount, regardless of whether one has had wine or another has had a pudding.

Years ago, I belonged to a Writers' Lunch Club which consisted of nearly all women, and there were always arguments about who had a more expensive meal, or who had coffee, or a second glass of wine. That is not on. At such meetings, you divide the bill equally between those present; otherwise it gets ridiculously petty. The Lunch Club eventually broke up over the payment issue.

There can be embarrassing payment problems at one-off special occasions such as hen or stag parties, birthday parties and the like and here, the person responsible for organizing the event must make the situation clear in advance. Unless the organizer is exceptionally rich and/or generous and has agreed to treat everybody, it's in order for each one to pay their share.

I always attend a Christmas lunch with some former colleagues and here, the organizer sends each of the attendees a menu, asking us to choose items, and send him a cheque for our preferred courses. We order wine when we get there and as there are always a few guests who are on the wagon, the boozers divvy up the wine bill.

When organizing a social in a pub, for instance, I think it's fair for everybody to pay for their own drinks. Some men – usually older ones – think it's their duty to stand a round, and that may have been how it was in the old days, but now it seems commonsense to pay for what you order. If nothing else, it prevents any resentment on what should be a jolly evening.

Freeloaders and spongers are never popular, and the understanding that everybody pays for their own drinks prevents somebody being labeled as having short arms and long pockets when it comes to their turn.

But with families, I'm afraid there is nothing for it. Granny or Grandpa – or whoever is deemed the head of the family - always pays. It is their bounden duty. I sometimes host family lunches or dinners in restaurants for up to eight people, and let everybody order what they like. It's not something I do all that often, and the parents are grateful as they are still expensively bringing up children. If I couldn't afford it once in a while, I wouldn't suggest it.

But yes, although men and women are truly equal, a man always pays for the first date, in the same way that a self-respecting woman takes endless trouble with her appearance. At the very least, these gestures show that you are taking the evening seriously and giving it your very best shot.

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