What your best friend won’t tell you

In many ways, I enjoy living alone. I can come and go as I please, watch the television programmes I want to watch, and never have to wash somebody else's dirty socks.

But there is one severe drawback to the solitary life, and that is that there is nobody on hand to police you, nobody to tell you that your skirt is too short, that your lipstick is smudged or that you are going out with your dress tucked into your knickers.

Without a permanent critic to comment on your appearance, such as a spouse or live-in lover, you can easily become eccentric and lose all judgment about what looks right and what looks plain wrong, silly, embarrassing or inappropriate.

Intimate partners can – and should - be brutally honest, but how acceptable is it for a friend to pass judgment, adversely or otherwise, on how you look? I was pulled up sharply the other day when a friend with whom I was staying told me in no uncertain terms that my eye-make up was too harsh 'for an elderly face'.

Thanks a bunch! But how should I react? Should I be offended and say that, unlike her, at least I had made an effort, or rush upstairs and tone down the offending eyeliner? I did the decent thing, rubbed off the harsh black and all was well. But if it had been the other way round and it had been my friend with the (in my opinion) make-up mistake, I know I would not have said a word for fear of hurting her feelings and ruining the relationship forever. I would not have considered it my place to make such a personal comment.

Because I was somewhat surprised by my friend's comment, I have been thinking about what is admissable for your best friend – or even a casual friend – to tell you, or for you to tell them. Briefly, I feel you have a duty to draw attention to things that can be changed, and which the other person might be grateful to have pointed out, but not permissible to allude to flaws that cannot easily be altered or which might offend.

It is always, though, a fine line to tread.

Thus, I feel it is OK to let a friend know when her lipstick or mascara is smudged, but not that she looks tired, or has put on weight lately. Even to tell somebody they look as though they have lost weight might not be welcomed. They may have been ill, or suffered a setback in their lives that you know nothing about. To be on the safe side, you should never comment on somebody's weight unless you know them so well that you are sure they will take it in good part.

One very close male friend of mine had put on a huge amount of weight since I had last seen him and I asked if he had quads in there. I felt fairly sure he would take the ribbing well and as it happened, he did.

But not all of my male friends have such a good sense of humour. I pointed out to one that his problem was that he was both fat and thin, thinking he would take it in good part, and he was mortally offended. He didn't find the remark at all amusing and the relationship went downhill from there.

When it comes to female friends, you have to be even more careful. If they are proud of their weight loss you can be sure they will be the first to tell you they have lost a stone, or whatever. If they have put on weight, they will be painfully aware of it and don't need you to point it out.

Drawing attention to weight is pretty much a no-go area, but can you tell somebody they are not ageing well?

A few years ago, one friend of mine took a big risk here. We were at a funeral and she suddenly said to me: 'You know, Liz, you've got a pretty face. You would look so much better with a facelift.' A compliment and criticism in one!

The other people in the group gasped, but what did I do? I took her words to heart and had a facelift. Then I handed my friend the bill for the £12,000 it cost. (No, not really although we have laughed about it ever since.)

More recently, some friends asked if I would like to go with them to their Botox clinic where they spend £250 every three months or so. It was a polite way of saying that, in their view, I could do with some Botox injections as well. They are probably right, but so far, the furrows on my brow remain unsmoothed.

Some things, though, you can never, ever say. A woman who regularly attends my gym always smells and often, it is so bad that the whole gym is affected. But can anybody mention it to her? No. Nobody dare say a word although I sometimes wonder whether she notices that we all get as far away from her as possible.

Similarly, it's not easy to tell somebody that their breath smells. That really is something only an intimate partner or perhaps a close relative, can point out, and even then it's not easy. Nor can you comment on the state of somebody's teeth. I, at least, would never be able to say to anybody: 'Have you ever considered veneers, or professional tooth whitening? It would make such a difference.' No, I have to let them continue with their brown or crooked teeth.

These age-old dilemmas don't go away, even though people generally are much more forthright than they used to be. My late mother in law, for instance, would never say a word, either complimentary or derogatory, about anybody's appearance but as she confided to me once: 'Just because I don't say things, Liz, it doesn't mean I'm not thinking them.' We were left to guess what ghastly unuttered thoughts she might be having, but in many ways she had the right idea; safest to say nothing.

The narrow and sometimes uncrossable line we face when wondering whether to make a personal remark, reminds me of the old joke: Two women who had not seen each other for ages met in the street. The first one said: 'What have you done to your hair? It looks exactly like a wig.'

Second woman: 'It is a wig.'

First woman: 'Really? I'd never have known.'

Whenever a friend asks you for a 'frank' appraisal of her appearance, house renovation, piece of work, poem or new hairstyle, it is usually safe to assume that she is really fishing for a compliment. If they don't ask for your opinion, don't give it. And if you secretly think that their hairstyle is hideous, what does a little white lie cost? You can always say that it's original, or different, or bold.

The only time you can be honest, I think, is when a friend asks you to go shopping with them to choose a new outfit. Because the clothes have not yet been bought, you can offer a genuine opinion.

But if she twirls round and asks what you think of her already-bought new ensemble, you must always, always say something positive.

Even nowadays, it is often, sadly, more politic to hold your tongue than to blurt out the truth.


ends